speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize