if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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