Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
