Your face is a jimmy john
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
