I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize