I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
