i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
