it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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