i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize