I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
