Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
