I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
