matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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