i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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