shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How does it feel to date your dad?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
