he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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