I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I want is dick and wine.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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