Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
