theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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