you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
