We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
