Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
