I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
