Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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