1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
well you can't waste a boner
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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