my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is it because I queefed?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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