Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
