It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
