I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
