this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
