Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
