How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
