I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
