Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
