cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
