Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
