Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
