He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Your cock deserves a montage
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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