I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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