So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
