Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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