The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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