There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
