I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
