Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
