My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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