I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
