FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
