What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
