shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize