If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize