apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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