If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
