I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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