hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
