I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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