i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
