I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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