I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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