The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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