I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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